Christmas was once again rolling around in the town of South Park, Colorado. From the outside of South Park High, it looked like it would turn out to be exactly like every other Christmas the town had had. Towelie was running around, still high out of his mind and still preaching about proper towel use. Mr. Hankey was due to arrive any day now, to help spread the Christmas cheer. The adults of South Park were once again caught up in a brand new fad: wearing hats made completely out of holly for the holiday season. Yes, from afar, it looked exactly like every other Christmas.
Inside South Park High, however, this Christmas was going to be different from all the others. Mr. Mackey, the counsellor, decided it was high time to let the children have a little fun that didn't involve almost destroying the town, and planned a dance for the last days of classes before the Christmas holidays.
Somehow, Mr. Garrison had made his way to teaching in high school, and by some strange act of fate, his class consisted of the same people that had been in his fourth grade class. Even Pip had somehow come back from the dead, bringing with him the son of Satan himself, Damien.
Contrary to popular belief, Garrison wasn't completely stupid. He'd known his students for most of their lives, and he'd seen the changes hormones and growing up were causing to occur in them. The sexual and/or romantic tension between a lot of the students was so thick you could almost walk into it, like a wall; and yet they never did anything about it. So, with this dance approaching, Mr. Garrison had a terrific idea to help his students out. Little did he know, one of his students would have an idea along those exact same lines.
'Hey Stan!' Kyle waved and ran down his driveway to get into Stan's new car. It was a blue Prius, and the guys, other than Kyle, couldn't get enough of ripping into him for it. Kyle was just grateful Stan gave him a ride to school every morning.
'Hey Kyle,' Stan smiled as the redhead climbed into the car, his ushanka askew over his mess of curls, a mark of Kyle rushing because he got up late once again. 'Sleep in again?'
'Yeah,' Kyle said irritably. 'I don't get it. I keep having these weird dreams that keep me up.'
'What about dude?' Stan asked, backing out of the drive.
'Oh, nothing much,' Kyle blushed, thinking of his less than appropriate dreams involving his best friend. 'It's… it's just weird, that's all.'
'Oh, okay dude,' Stan shrugged and sped up down the road. He hated driving slow. The only two people in school who drove faster than Stan were Cartman, in his shiny red sports car Miss Cartman's newest and richest boyfriend had bought him; and Craig Tucker, who just didn't give a shit about how fast he went.
Apparently thinking about someone made you more prone to noticing them, since Stan glanced to the opposing side of the road and caught sight of Craig, looking pissed-off, as usual, speeding off in the opposite direction. Probably to pick up Tweek before school, as he often did.
'Dude, Craig's gonna kill himself someday,' Kyle commented, looking back at the speeding vehicle disappearing from view.
'I think he's got it,' Stan shrugged. 'Don't worry about it; you'll turn all your pretty hair grey.'
'Lay off the hair, asshole,' Kyle said irritably.
'It wasn't a crack at the hair, I swear,' Stan did his best not to laugh.
'Whatever,' Kyle rolled his eyes and slumped in his seat, sulking.
'Dude, I seriously wasn't making fun of your hair,' Stan said seriously, taking on hand off the steering wheel to touch Kyle's plentiful hair gently; he always hated to see Kyle upset.
Kyle laughed. 'HA! I KNEW you'd apologize if I sulked! You're so easy, dude.'
'Dude, you're getting to be as manipulative as Cartman used to be,' Stan chuckled, putting his hand back on the wheel.
'Oh god, don't say things like that,' Kyle said, eyes wide. 'He may have gotten better lately but, dude. He's insane.'
'Dude, I didn't mean it,' Stan reached out to pat Kyle's shoulder, keeping the other hand on the wheel. 'You know you're nothing like Cartman.'
'Yeah, I know,' Kyle smiled. 'I just, you know, he's crazy.'
'Yeah,' Stan shrugged, pulling into the school's parking lot. 'You could never be
that crazy, even if you went insane, you could
never be Cartman's brand of crazy.
Kyle smiled at his super best friend and got out of the car. Stan followed, a ridiculous grin that could only be caused by Kyle's smile plastered on his face.
Craig hopped into his car and gunned it into gear. He was once again running late after having to take an extra long shower to deal with the problem his rather inappropriate dreams about his best friend caused him. If he didn't hurry, he'd be late to pick up said best friend, and being late
always caused Tweek to descend into a fit of nerves, and that was the
last thing Craig wanted.
He gunned past Stan's car, in which Stan and Kyle were sitting, on their way to school, and Craig wondered vaguely if they were dating or not. Maybe seeing two guys dating would open up Tweek's eyes to the possibility, and Craig could see how Tweek would react.
He pulled up to Tweek's house, only five minutes late and Tweek, twitching, as per usual, threw open the front door and walked over to the car.
'H-hey Craig,' Tweek said, settling into the front seat.
'Hey Tweekers,' Craig smiled. Tweek was the only person who ever saw Craig smile. 'How was your night?'
'Ngh! The gnomes were –argh! – back!' Tweek said, pulling at his hair with his left hand, the one that wasn't clutching his coffee thermos, which was always free to pull at his hair.
'Hey, Tweek, don't,' Craig reached up to take Tweek's hand to stop him pulling out his hair. 'The gnomes won't hurt you.'
'GAH! I know th-that,' Tweek began to stop twitching. 'B-but they keep – ngh – taking my underpants! And they… they scare me with their – ngh– creepy song. '
'Ssh,' Craig squeezed his best friend's hand to calm him down. 'Do you want me to stay with you tonight?'
'Ngh! W-would you?' Tweek asked, his twitching basically subsiding. 'Y-you'd do that for – ngh – me?'
'Course I would, Tweekers,' Craig rolled his eyes. 'It's the only way you ever get any sleep anyways.'
'Thanks C-C-Craig,' Tweek said with a final twitch before calming down completely; he always felt oddly calm whenever Craig was around. 'Y-you're the best – ngh – friend ever.'
Craig smiled again. 'I've already told you Tweek, I'll protect you. Whether it's the retards at school or the underpants gnomes, I'll make sure no one hurts you.'
'Ngh – you really take the pressure off,' Tweek told him softly.
Craig sighed. He wished he could take the pressure off Tweek in a very different, much less innocent way. 'I do my best.'
'Th-thanks!' Tweek squeezed Craig's hand, taking Craig completely off guard; if he didn't have such quick reflexes he would have ended up in the ditch.
'W-woah! You –ngh– never do that, Craig!' Tweek twitched.
'Sorry,' Craig sighed. 'I won't let it happen again, don't worry.'
'It's –ngh– okay!' Tweek exclaimed. 'I –argh– trust you.'
Craig smiled and pulled into the school parking lot. 'You have no idea how much it means to me to hear you say that.'
'Oh, good morning, Kenny,' Butters said happily when they met at the street corner they met at every morning.
'
Morning Butters,' Kenny smiled from under his hood.
'What's new today?' Butters asked as they started on their way to school.
'
It's almost Christmas,' Kenny shrugged. '
Picking out gifts.'
'Oh, wow, sounds great,' Butters said happily. 'I've got all mine picked out.' He looked down, his cheeks turning red. 'Y-yours was the first I picked out.'
'
I've got a question,' Kenny said suddenly. '
If I handed you a box on Christmas, and you opened the box, and you found mistletoe and I put it over your head, would you like that?'
Butters blushed a deeper red. 'I, uh, yeah, Kenny, I would. I'd like it a whole lot.' He stared down at the sidewalk.
Kenny's grin turned manic. He grabbed Butters and kissed him, right there on the sidewalk.
'Hey queers,' Cartman stopped by the sidewalk, his eyebrows raised at the display. 'You want a ride?'
'Oh, uh, thanks Eric,' Butters smiled and walked over to the car.
'
Yeah, thanks, dude,' Kenny climbed in with Butters.
'So you guys finally made it official, huh?' Cartman asked conversationally. Years of anger management had really worked wonders on Cartman. He wasn't as angry or manipulative, and he'd lost a great deal of weight. Overall, he was a completely different Eric Cartman, a new Cartman everyone liked a whole lot better.
'Made what official, Eric?' Butters asked.
'You two are totally gay for each other,' Cartman shrugged. 'Are you officially dating now?'
'Oh, uh, I don't know, Eric,' Butters looked to Kenny uncertainly. Kenny wasn't known for being in relationships, he was more known for being a skirt-chaser, roaming the school halls and grabbing whatever breasts he could find.
'
Yeah,' Kenny put his arm around Butters. '
Butters is mine. Make sure people know that. Can't have anyone staring at my boyfriend's ass.'
'Wa-hay, someone's getting possessive,' Cartman laughed and gunned the car the last mile or so to the school. 'You think Stan and Kyle have just given up pretending and fucked yet?'
'
Probably not,' Kenny said.
'Well, that's too bad,' Butters frowned. 'It's really obvious they like each other. Why don't they see it?'
'Because they're stupid, Butters,' Cartman said as though it were obvious. 'And stupid people take a long time to figure things out.'
'If only there was some way we could let them know without really telling them,' Butters said. 'They might get mad if we interfere, but…'
Kenny got a manic grin on his face. '
I've got just the thing. We can help ALL
the idiots who just don't get it.'
'Okay class, today's the day of the dance, remember?' Mr. Garrison said once the bell rang, signalling that homeroom had begun.
'Yeah,' the class collectively rolled their eyes. It wasn't as though any of them could have forgotten; it's all anyone had been talking about all week. They couldn't wait to have a whole afternoon off of classes.
'But, until then, you've got classes,' Garrison continued, so, when it's time for first period, you'd better get your asses to class, or else.'
'Yes,' the class replied dully.
'Kenny what your plan?' Butters whispered to his brand-new boyfriend.
'You'll see once class is out,' Kenny whispered back. 'So far only Kevin, Bradly, Bebe, Butters and I have dates for the dance. By the time it starts, all our friends will have their eyes opened and they're gonna have dates to the dance.'
'Dude, why's Garrison acting so weird?' Kyle asked Stan as they made their way out of their first period English class with the so-called teacher in question.
'Dunno, but he
was acting weirdly smug,' Stan shrugged. 'He must be happy about not having to teach this afternoon.'
'Yeah, probably,' Kyle smiled. 'So… the dance… did you ask anyone?'
'Uh, no,' Stan scratched the back of his head nervously. 'I, uh, wanted to… but I wasn't sure how… they'd react. Did, uh, you?' Stan asked, secretly hoping Kyle hadn't.
'Um, no,' Kyle blushed. 'I uh, was hoping someone would ask me but…'
'Oh, why didn't you ask them?' Stan asked glumly.
'I uh, it's not really, I don't think uh, they like me back,' Kyle looked at the floor. 'And I'm not brave enough to ask…'
'Oh,' Stan, too, looked at the floor.
'
Aha!' Kenny burst out from around the corner with a stick in his hand. '
We've found two of them Butters!'
'Golly, that's great,' Butters appeared at his shoulder.
'What's going on?' Kyle asked.
'Kissy, kissy time,' Kenny said, extending the stick. Stan and Kyle looked up.
'What is that?' Kyle looked up at the plant Kenny was dangling over them from a string tied to the stick.
'
Mistletoe, so pucker up dudes,' Kenny grinned under his hood.
'Kenny,' Stan blushed at the thought of kissing Kyle. 'Why are you doing this?'
'
Because you're too stupid to make a move on your crush who obviously likes you back,' Kenny shrugged. 'Now, go, kissy, kissy, time's a wasting.'
'What are you talking about?' Stan asked, faking obliviousness in his nervousness.
'Oh come on, it's obvious you're totally in love with Kyle,' Butters piped up.
'
And it's obvious Kyle's head over heels for you,' Kenny wagged his eyebrows. '
So pucker up, guys, I got other people beat some sense into.'
'Are you going to let this go?' Kyle asked, his face beet red.
'
Nope,' Kenny shook his head happily.
'He means business, fellers,' Butters smiled. 'You should just do it.'
'That's, uh…' Stan looked to Kyle uncertainly. 'I, uh…'
Kyle reached up suddenly and pressed a short, but lingering kiss to Stan's lips. 'There, happy Kenny?'
'
I think Stan is too,' Kenny winked. '
Don't go back to being stupid about liking each other now.' Putting an arm around Butters, he sauntered off, his mistletoe-on-a-stick hanging over his shoulder.
Stan, blushing, looked over to Kyle. 'So, uh, wow…'
'Kenny's crazy, huh?' Kyle laughed nervously.
'Yeah,' Stan joined his best friend in nervous laughter. 'Come on, we should get to class.' Neither of the boys that Mr Garrison was watching them until he walked right over to them.
'Well then boys,' Garrison said. Mr. Mackey noticed that there's not a lot of dates being made for the dance. It won't be much of a dance if people don't dance. He asked me to put all the names of the people in my class in a hat and have them pick out names of people to dance with on the first dance to break the dancing ice.'
'Uh… what?' Stan looked up at him confusedly.
'You pick a name out of this hat,' Garrison held out a sparkly Santa hat to Stan. 'And you dance with the person you pick for the first song.'
'Why?' Kyle asked.
'Because I said so, okay?' Garrison snapped. 'Now just pick a name.'
'Whatever,' Stan stuck his hand into the hat and pulled out a piece of paper. He unfolded it and stared at it.
'What's it say?' Garrison prompted.
'Kyle,' Stan read.
'Yeah, we've got a lot more boys than girls in our class,' Garrison reminded them. 'You'll just have to suck it up. Not that it'll be a problem for you two, huh?' With that, Garrison walked away.
'Weird,' Kyle shook his head after Garrison. 'Everyone's being all weird today.'
'Whatever, dude,' Stan shrugged and, with an arm around Kyle's shoulders, he started them both off to their next class.
'
There are our next victims,' Kenny said to Butters, watching Craig and Tweek walking together down the hall. '
Pucker up, guys,' he called out, dangling the mistletoe over their heads.
'What are you doing?' Craig asked, turning around to face Kenny and Butters.
'Is that –ngh– mistletoe?' Tweek asked nervously.
'Not cool, guys,' Craig rolled his eyes. 'You're freaking Tweek out.'
'Just kiss him,' Butters pleaded. 'He likes you, you know.'
'Of course he likes me, he's my friend,' Craig retorted.
'
He like likes you,' Kenny sighed wearily. '
Why don't they ever believe us?'
'You're stupid,' Craig said, but he leant down to kiss Tweek anyways. To his utter amazement, Tweek kissed back. Craig brought his arms up around his smaller friend, completely ignoring the other two boys next to him. Kenny and Butters smiled at each other and snuck away, not noticing Garrison walking from the other way.
'Well, should I put you two down to dance together then?' Garrison asked with a smirk. 'I was gonna have you pick out of a hat, but I think you'd rather dance together, huh?'
'I uh,' Craig looked away from his teacher, embarrassed. 'Yeah.'
'Two less for my hat,' Garrison shrugged and walked away, a smile plastered on his face. It looked like some of his students plucked up some nerve without his help.
'Time to hop into action again?' Butters asked when he saw Cartman speaking nervously to Wendy. It was no secret Cartman was completely smitten with the rather pretty girl.
'
Guess so,' Kenny shrugged. '
Wendy won't need much pushing. You can tell she wants Cartman bad.'
'Surprise!' Butters laughed, as he and Kenny snuck up behind them with the mistletoe. 'Kiss kiss.'
'What the hell you guys?' Cartman asked, looking mortified.
'
Mistletoe, dude,' Kenny stated the obvious. 'Kiss her.'
'No problem,' Wendy reached up to kiss him. 'Happy boys?' she asked with a smile.
'Not as happy as you,' Butters smiled back.
'
Well, our work's done,' Kenny smiled, catching sight of Clyde and Token out of the corner of his eye. '
Come on, more victims.'
They loped off together, almost knocking into Garrison, who just come from talking to Clyde and Token.
'Watch where you little assholes are going,' Garrison snapped at them.
'Sorry Mr. Garrison,' Butters called back as Kenny hung the mistletoe over Clyde and Token.
'
Pucker up,' Kenny grinned.
'First Garrison then you?' Token asked. 'What is wrong with you people all of a sudden?'
'We're tired of you all being all stubborn,' Butters offered as an explanation. 'So just kiss and admit you like each other.'
'What?' Clyde looked a Token. 'Is that true?'
'I, uh,' Token looked away, embarrassed.
'Wow,' Clyde kissed his best friend. 'I like you too.'
'I, uh, you do?' Token smiled. 'Wow.'
'Our work's done,' Butters smiled at Kenny.
'
Yep,' Kenny smiled back. '
Now let's get going to the dance. It's time for us to get kissy I think.' He dangled the mistletoe between them.
'I think so too,' Butters blushed and kissed him.
The dance was starting off great, Garrison thought to himself. All the people he'd tricked into thinking they were picking names out at random to dance with were dancing together and looking happy. It was a job well done.
'Hey Stan?' Kyle said quietly as they revolved slowly to the slow song that was playing.
'Yeah?' Stan looked down at him.
'You don't really
have to dance with me right? I mean… why?' Kyle asked slowly.
'Well, I want to,' Stan shrugged. 'Can't I want to?'
'And the mistletoe? Did you want to kiss me?' Kyle asked.
'I, uh… well, I did but… I didn't know if you… I…' Stan sighed. 'I like you, okay? If that freaks you out well… I'm sorry.'
'Stan,' Kyle whispered. 'Who did you want to ask to the dance?'
'You,' Stan closed his eyes, waiting for Kyle to storm off, angry with him for not being able to control his strange attraction to his best friend. He never expected to feel Kyle's lips on his again.
'That's good,' Kyle smiled. 'You're who I wanted to go with too.'
'Well, I guess this worked out well then,' Stan let out a relieved laugh.
'Yep,' Kyle leaned his head on Stan's shoulder while Stan looked around at all the other couples revolving around them.
'It looks like a lot of people have got together,' Stan commented.
Across the floor, Mr. Garrison was observing the same group of people. 'You done good,' he said to himself, admiring what he thought was solely his handiwork. He had no idea he'd had two little elves dressed in orange and turquoise helping him on his Christmas-time mission; two elves who were currently engaging in a wholly inappropriate make-out session in the middle of the dance. Rolling his eyes, Garrison went to break it up, wondering vaguely how they'd got together without help from him. He had no idea Kenny or Butters were capable of bringing anyone together. He didn't notice the sprig of mistletoe sticking out of Kenny' back pocket, still tied to the string. That might have given him some indication as to what had just gone on earlier that day.
~~~
So, a little festive story for Christmas day, I think. Just finished it now, about 3:30 am; a couple pints of eggnogg, which probably wasn't a good idea, and an idiot friend inspired this, so I hope you like.
Mr. Garrison might be a little out of character, but I like to think he'd have the time to grow and mature slightly in the time it took for the boys to get to high school. I like to think he'd come to like them and care about them, if grudgingly so. So, that's where that comes from. And I've always seen Kenny as the more perceptive of all of them, so that's why he's my instigator.
Have a very happy Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza or what have you.
Cheers!